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  • subterfuge - something intended to misrepresent the true nature of an activity.
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  • Tuesday, June 27, 2006

    Cellphone Jokes

    Here are a few cellphone jokes I gathered... and copied from other people.

    MD: Sir Bangag, eexamin ko ang prostate nyo, kaya ipapasok ko sa puet nyo isang daliri ko.
    Bangag: Dalawa na ipasok mo, para may second opinion!

    Attorney: Ilang beses kang ni-rape ng akusado?
    Babae:Tatlo po.
    Akusado: Dalawa lang, hoy!
    Babae: Bakit, di kasali yung nasa ibabaw ako?

    How are tornadoes and marriages alike?
    They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you lose your house!

    Caller: Bangag, ano pong tawag sa pagitan ng vagina at puwit?
    Bangag: Ang sagot dyan ay PATEROS!
    Caller: Bakit po?
    Bangag: Dahil dyan ang bagsakan ng itlog!

    Man and woman after sex:
    Woman: Bakit kuha mo picture ng flower ko?
    Man: Ipapasikat ko sa friends ko. Bakit ikaw naman kuha mo picture ng bird ko?
    Woman: Wala, ipapa-enlarge ko lang!

    Dying Old Man: Ako lapit na patay, ikaw sabi totoo, sino ama bunso natin, sobla pangit niya sa 12 kapatid niya!
    Wife: Wag ka galit ha, siya lang anak mo!

    Friends are like underwear - always a comfort.
    Good friends are like condoms - always protecting.
    Great friends are like viagra - lift you up when you are down.

    Judge: When you were raped, did you call for help?
    Victim: Yes, your Honor!
    Judge: Well, did anybody come?
    Victim: Oh, yes, your Honor. First he come, then I come three times!

    May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am. Dahil sa takot mabugbog ng misis, nag-text ng: "HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. AKO NAKATAKAS. UWI NA KO.

    Husband: Parati na lang tayo away. Maghiwalay na lang tayo!
    Wife: Sigi, maghati tayo ng mga anak.
    Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda.
    Wife: Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi sa kanya!

    Friend: Wow, Pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!
    Husband: Oo, surprise gift ng kumare mo.
    Friend: Surprise? Ano ang okasyon?
    Husband: Wala, nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin!

    An elephant asks the camel, why do you have boobs on your back? The camel responds, what a silly question from someone with a big penis on his face!

    Pinapili ako sa dalawa: kaibigan o pera?
    Siempre pinili kita. May pera ka naman, di ba?

    Customer to barber: What can you suggest to cure my baldness?
    Barber: Just put on female juice on you head!
    Customer: But you are balder than me!
    Barber: But look at my mustache!

    The Pope ordered: Females should not use contraceptives and males should not use condoms. A shapely lady got up and said, "Well, if you don’t play the game, don’t make the rules".

    The secret life is GOD!
    The secret of happiness is GIVING!
    The secret of love is SACRIFICE!
    The secret of sacrifice is to FOLLOW the order of your wife!

    Can you believe things people do?
    I was sitting next to this guy in church.
    In the middle of the mass he lit a cigarette.
    I was so shocked I nearly dropped my beer!

    A study on management: men in the rank and file love basketball; men in managerial positions love tennis; CEOs love golf.
    CONCLUSION: The higher you are at the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls!

    Missis: Love, pinatungan ako ng magnanakaw kagabi.
    Mister: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
    Missis: Akala ko ikaw eh, Pero nong makadalawa siya, nasiguro kong di ikaw!

    Teacher: Bangag, why do you rub oil on your head whenever I’m teaching?
    Bangag: Kasi, Maam, I heard my mother tell my Daddy, rub oil on the head pag ayaw pumasok!

    Question: What is the strongest muscle?
    Answer: The tongue. It can raise a woman’s hips.
    Question: What is the lightest muscle?
    Answer: The penis. It can be raised by tongue.

    A girl who opens her hand receives gifts, opens her heart, receives love, but when she opens her legs, she receives hapPENIS!

    Madre: Padre, ginaw na ginaw na ako!
    Padre: Ako rin, Sister. Gusto mo gawin natin yung ginagawa ng magasawa!
    Madre: Oo, Father.
    Padre: Sige. Ipagtimpla mo nga ako ng kape!

    MR.: Magexercise ka para ma-firm yong boobs at puson mo. Pag firm na, tipid tayo na sa bra at girdle!
    MRS.: Magexercise ka na rin. Pag firm na ang bird mo, tipid na tayo sa driver!

    Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
    A kid replied: Feet, because every night I see Mom, her feet up high and screaming, "oh God, I am coming"!

    Question: What do you call that stage of a woman when she stops her period? MENOPAUSE.
    Question: What do you call the time when a man starts using Viagra? KINAPAUSE!

    Types of secretary:
    Mabait: Tuwad na ako, Sir?
    Malambing: Ang sarap mo, Sir.
    Magalang: Luhod na ako, Sir?
    Mahilig: Bukas ulit, Sir?
    Maalahanin: Uuwi ka na ba sa asawa mo, Sir?

    Bangag 1: Ang kamote ni Lolo sobrang laki, isang araw namin kinain.
    Bangag 2: Yung pakwan ni Itay, 3 araw namin kinain.
    Bangag 3: Wala yan sa mani ni yaya. Gabi gabi kinakain ni Itay di pa rin ubos!

    Question: What is the similarity between a wife and chewing gum?
    Answer: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later!

    Girlfriend and boyfriend go to a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl’s skirt. Guess where it would have bitten? The boy’s hand!

    Name five road signs that describe the female organ:
    1. Deep excavation
    2. Slippery when wet
    3. Stop on red signal
    4. Slow down on curves and humps
    5. Men at work!

    Medical update: Psychiatrists say that 4 out of 5 people are mentally ill. If 4 of your friends are OK, then you are in big trouble!

    Binata: Miss, puwede bang manligaw sa iyo?
    Dalaga: At bakit? May CRV ka ba? Pajero? Expedition?
    Binata: Tanginga! Bakit, ano ba yong pekpek mo, parking lot?

    Wife: Dear, anong regalo mo sa akin sa tenth anniversary natin?
    Husband: Dadalhin kita sa Europe.
    Wife: Wow, how sweet! Eh, sa 25th natin?
    Husband: Susunduin kita doon!

    Did you know about a new movie, Constipation? It hasn’t come out yet!

    Man: Nakonsensya ako, Father, kasi di ko mapigil itong libog ko.
    Pare: Gusto mo dasal pangalis sa libog, iho?
    Man: Ay, huwag po! Meron ba kayong dasal pang-alis ng konsensiya?

    A gay donated huge money to church. The Pastor approached and said to the gay, You can select 3 hymns immediately. The gay stood up and pointed to three men and said, Him, him, him!

    Have you ever noticed women problems usually involve men?
    MENopause
    MENstrual pain
    MENtal illness
    GUYnecologist
    HISterectomy
    HISteria

    Dosage of viagra:
    With new chick - ½ tablet
    With mistress - 1 tablet
    With wife - 2 tablets plus ex-rated film plus, soup, plus gin, plus siling labuyo, plus balut, at plus kalendaryo ng playboy.

    What do wives want in husbands?
    1. Pleasing PESOnality
    2. Good CARacteristics
    3. Good family BANKround
    4. Good MONEYrism
    5. Very CASHual!

    Man [to priest] Father, ikasal mo nga itong dalwang aso ko.
    Pare:Demonyo ka! Bawal yan!
    Man: Kahit magbayad ako ng P20,000.00?
    Pare: Bakit di mo sinabi agad na katoliko sila?

    Tatlong bulag nagpapaligsahan
    Bulag 1: [inamoy ang mansanas] Dis are apples!
    Bulag 2: [inamoy ang mga ubas] Dis are grapes!
    Bulag 3: [inamoy ang durian] Good morning, girls!

    70 year old man talking sadly to his penis: We were born together, grew together, had been through a lot of happy moments together.
    Now, why do you have to die ahead of me?

    Compadre 1: Kumusta ang sex life nyo ni Kumare?
    Compadre 2: Parang sueldo ko sa opisina, tuwing 15 at 30 lang. Kulang sa akin, kaya bumabale ako sa sekretarya ko!

    Soldier got married. On the first night he realized his wife had her period. He telegrammed headquarters: Red alert on front, extending leave!
    Reply from headquarters: Attack from back and report to HQ!

    Sir: Inday, okay lang ba medyo maliit tong akin.
    Inday: Sus, ginoo. Sir, marami akong nakitang ganyan kaliit.
    Sir: Talaga?
    Inday: Oo, sir, yaya kasi ako dati!

    Nagtalo ang isang Hudyo at isang Intsik kung sino ang nauna sa mundo.
    Hudyo: Kami nauna, dahil kami nagpako kay Hesus.
    Intsik: Saang hardware kayo bili pako, aber?

    MRS.: Sino yun?
    MR.: Girl friend ko.
    MRS.: Ang pangit naman.
    MR.: Ala kang magawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko!

    Congrats! Your phone has been installed with a new puzzle game. To play, just throw your phone against the wall and arrange the pieces back. It’s fun. Try it!

    Ina: Anak, 18 ka pa lang bakit grabe ang almoranas mo?
    Dalaga: Kasi po, gusto ng boyfriend ko, pag ikinasak kami, virgin pa ako!

    Wife: I am warning you, darating na ang mister ko within one hour.
    Visitor: Wala naman akong ginagawang masama, a!
    Wife: Yan nga, kung may plano ka, dalian mo!

    Sino mahirap? Intsik, kasi liit kita.
    Sino pinakamahirap? Bulag, kasi wala kita.
    Sino mayaman? Duling, kasi doble kita.
    Sino pinakamayaman? Siempre bold star, kasi lahat kita!

    Priest: Hinabol ako ng babaeng maganda at hubad. Ginawa ko, dinamitan ko agad. Kung kayo Bishop, anong gagawin nyo?
    Bishop: Tulad mo, magsisinungaling din ako!

    A colegiala was being interviewed.
    Question: What is the difference between a penis and a camote?
    Answer: Yuck naman as in heloo, I don’t eat camote, noh! How can I compare?

    Dear Tatay,
    Lalabas na ko dito sa seminaryo, di na ako makakapigil. Ang daming madre, sexy.
    Dear Anak,
    Magtiis ka muna. Pag pari ka na, sa iyo lahat yan. Ingat!

    A sexy wife was asked, Do you sleep with other men?
    She replied, Hey, I sleep only with my husband, with others I stay awake all night!

    Anak: Inay, totoo bang sabi ni Titser na ang baby ay galing sa malaking ibon?
    Inay: Yung ibang baby siguro. Pero ikaw ay galing sa maliit na ibon!

    Husband: Mahal, kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyong ito, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa mga bata¦
    Wife: Tumigil ka. Wala pang namatay sa tuli!

    Customer: Waiter, bakit maliit itong peking duck nyo?
    Waiter: Manok lang ho iyan, sir, kaya nga, peking!

    Son: Dad, nagpa tattoo ako.
    Dad: Aba, tama yan. Labanan natin ang tsismis na bading ka. Patingin ng tatto mo?
    Son: O, di ba Dad, ganda ng kilay ko?

    Why do men ask for women’s hand in marriage?
    Because they are tired of using their own!

    Ano ang mahalaga, pera o asawa?
    Pera siempre! Ang pera tumatagal, lumalaki ang interest. Ang asawa habang tumatagal nawawala ang interest!

    Holdupper: Taas ang kamay, akina pera mo!
    Biktima: Hindi mo ba alam na Congressman ako?
    Holdupper: Totoo? Kung ganaon, akinang pera ko!

    Woman: Do clever men make good husbands?
    Confucius: Clever men never become husbands.

    Habang nasusunog ang Veterans Hospital,
    Security Guard: Sir, dito kayo dumaan!
    Bangag: Di ako tanga, fire exit yata yan. Dyan lumalabas ang apoy!

    Girl asked Mom if she could be pregnant if she has sex through the ass.
    Mom: Yes, of course! Where do you think all the Senators and Congressmen came from?

    Juan: Alam mo, pag nakikita ko ang mga bituin, naalaala ko ang mga politicians natin.
    Pedro: Bakit? Dahil sa bright sila?
    Juan: Hindi, dahil co-corrupt corrupt sila!

    A Priest saw a girl removing her blouse. He prayed, God, please close my eyes! When he opened his eyes the girl was already naked. Then he prayed like he never did before, God, please close your eyes!

    Nasa kama si Mr., tinapik si Mrs.
    MR.: Pagod na ako dear. [tinapik uli si Mrs.] Di ko na kaya talaga. Matulog na tayo dear.
    MRS.: [sigaw] Gago! Nasa kama ka ng maid natin!

    Anak: Inay, mayaman na tayo!
    Ina: Bakit mo nasabi yan?
    Anak: Si Taty nasa dyario, P5 million daw, dead or alive!

    Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak, anak?
    Eva: Pumasa po ako sa test!
    Ama: Aba magaling! Anong subject ba yan, anak?
    Eva: Pregnancy test po, itay!

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